Archive for September, 2009

Tenterhooks. I am on them.

The last piece of information has been submitted, and it looks like Monday is the day I’ll find out.  I have done everything that I can have done to grease the way, and must now wait.

I’m off work tomorrow, and will spend a portion of it at the fourth birthday party of my delectable niece. Upon arriving home, I imagine that I will attack my office with high abandon and perhaps even make room for all of the beads that are currently ensconced on our otherwise lovely dining room table. Most of my stash is living in the sturdy and quite lovely fabric-covered storage boxes from The Container Store. At present, I have seven different colors/patterns and am trying to keep some semblance of control over the stash by keeping all the purple in one box, all the red in another, neutrals, etc. However, after installing ten feet of birch and white elfa shelving on the far wall of my office (all by my ownself!), I deposited *quite* a lot of sock yarn into the sliding drawers, dk weight into another, bulky, yet another. WIPs found a home in another drawer. I added these Colibri sachets to fend off Der Stinkin Moths. I’d prefer something fragrance-free in deference to the asthma-stricken Princess Pyewacket, but the fragrance is what keeps the moths at bay, so I may as well have a scent that pleases me. They contain “100% pure natural botanical essences from tea tree, vetiver, peppermint, lemongrass, neem, and others in a fine sandalwood powder base.” Neem? I lined up my knitting books and pamphletted patterns above the leather dresser shelf workspace, am thinking about a binder for my page-protected patterns,  notions found a one-runner drawer to call home.

I’m feeling manic, more than a little. If I sound so to you, please don’t hesitate to let me know.

Comments (1) »

Catharsis

I’ve been struggling at work, mightily, personality conflicts with most of my coworkers, most of whom I feel quite superior to (manic much?). This last time that my manager has taken me aside to speak to me she’s told me that she knows that I like to talk to everyone, and that she’s sure that I don’t even realize that I’m doing it, but that I’m putting myself into everyone else’s conversations, and that many people don’t appreciate that, and that I should wait to be invited in and not just jump in and start talking. That there is at least one person who has requested that she keep me away from them. That she has gotten complaints about me and my lack of boundaries. That I get too personal. That I don’t know when to stop. That I do too much talking and not enough listening.

This all hit me like a hammer square between the eyes. She’s absolutely right, and even though I do not agree with her on practically anything else on the planet, I do agree with her on this.

I have finally seen the light. Been held underwater until my head was about to explode is more like it. Suffice to say that I am now painfully aware that I have a HUGE issue with personal boundaries and respecting them. Imagine my shock and surprise at realizing that not everyone thinks that everything I have to say is fascinating? That since I’m so smart, I must know what I’m talking about? That I am not welcome in every conversation? That some people actually don’t want me to talk to them? They don’t care about the information I have to share?

Wow.

I am stunned, absolutely stunned and embarrassed and I feel so horrible and that I’ve been shoving myself on everyone for my entire life and everyone actually HAS been talking about me behind my back; that it isn’t just that I’m paranoid. They really ARE saying mean things about me. It’s just that I’ve done something to deserve them and that in some cases, maybe even many cases, they may be true. I just haven’t done them on purpose.

As far as therapy goes, this is the killer. I have had years of therapy. Ages of therapy. None of which was worth a good goddamn, apparently. But I guess when you aren’t open to the lesson, no matter how effective the teacher is, it won’t get through. My line of work is retail sales; I am really good at bullshitting people, myself at the top of the list. And then going right back to my old tricks, with the lesson tossed by the wayside, never looked at, never heard. This isn’t by far the first time someone’s told me what my manager said. But perhaps it’s because my job is on the line, or that I’m angling for another job and they’re doing background checks and I’m in a right state, or that my marriage is shaky and G has been throwing his hands up into the air time and time again that I think he will really just finally be completely fed up and say, “That’s it. For good. I’m done.” But for whatever reason, it hit me this time and hit me good. I get it now. This is where, G says, the healing can begin. This is where I have the chance to turn my life around. I’m bipolar, and nothing on this earth can change that, but I here have the opportunity to change how I deal with it. I need to be so diligent, so deliberate, so careful not to slip backwards. This is where I have the chance to become trustworthy. Finally, a chance to grow up.

Comments (1) »

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.